Three individuals (Charlotte, Caroline and Jon) set out to discover the best of the best Pop Tarts created by Kelloggs.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Darth Tarts

After receiving some of the Pop Tart reviews, I inquired as to whether any of you have tried the Star Wars Darth Vader Lavaberry Pop Tarts I had previously seen at the supermarket. Charlotte said no and suggested I review these.

Since I was driving to NY today, I figured what better entertainment could I have besides That 70’s Show and a box of lava cakes at the hotel tonight. On my way home, I stopped to see if these interesting specimens were still on clearance at my local supermarket. When I previously noticed these bright red pop tarts, I was horrified. The second time I saw them, they were on clearance.I wandered around the store to the clearance section in the back and found a goldmine. Not only were the Lava berry Tarts on clearance, they had an additional flavor. Robots Wildberry Pop Tarts. These looked a little more normal, but I picked up both boxes at the bargain price.

Ok, so I got into my hotel around 11:15pm tonight and they informed me that they were overbooked, but would be glad to put me up for free at the Crowne Plaza. Really there is nothing I wanted to do more at 11:30, then drive around to another hotel. Fortunately, I sort of knew where it was and did not get lost. Yes, I walked into the Crowne Plaza in jeans and my baseball cap with a backpack and pop tarts. I could tell they were impressed.

Summerfield has a microwave and stove, Crowne Plaza does not. Tonight, I was limited to testing the Lava berry pop tarts cold. It makes me chuckle when I look at the sleep cd, lavender linen spray, ear plugs, and eye mask all wrapped up nicely in a little gift bag. I’m about to eat Red Star Wars Pop Tarts at midnight while I watch TV.

The box has Star Wars trivia and quotes on it. As I’ve seen only 1 old Star Wars movie and Revenge of the Sith, I don’t really recognize any of the quotes or know any answers. The actual envelope is generic silver. Perhaps this is to obscure the pop tart horror that is inside and trick us into opening the package. The pop tarts themselves are not nearly as bright red as the picture on the box. It is more like a cross between a brick and creamy tomato soup. The frosting is slightly darker and there are strange circular (hole punch sized) orange and yellow swirled sprinkle things. In opinion, they look kind of like a jackolantern puked on top.

My first bite was the corner. I don’t believe there was any frosting or filling. It tasted kind of like soap with the chemical red dye taste, slightly reminiscent of those nasty pink butter cookies that are shaped like leaves with flavorless chocolate holding them together. (I realize you may not have seen these disgusting cookies before, but my mom liked to purchase them for special occasions.)

Bite #2 had frosting, sprinkles, and filling. It was slightly sweet and possibly berry like, mixed with the chalky, red dye soap taste. As I was almost done chewing it, my teeth hit one of the extra large sprinkles. They are pretty solid and sound like, when you bite into a smartie. I’m not sure they lend any special facets to this taste abomination. Though I was tempted to break into a chorus of “crunch, crunch, crunch, ohhhhhhhhh…crunch, crunch crunch”, each time I bit into one. (You may need to seek an explanation of this from Charlotte if you have not witnessed this interaction with Chouli.) Further bites tasted slightly salty along with the soap/berry flavor. I’m going to wash this down with the remainder of my complimentary bottled water.

Friday in White Plains, I will try microwaving one of the Darth Tarts to see if cooking helps to neutralize any of the odd flavors. Perhaps, nuking the lava berries will morph them into a much better tasting product. I suppose it is safe to suspect that molten lava berries would taste better than solid ones, just because. At the current time, I would only give these 1.5 light sabers out of 5. Perhaps, they should have used the force when making them.

I’m still left with 5 packs of Darth Tarts. If anyone is brave enough to try some, I could send some in the overnight. Otherwise, I will leave them in the kitchen. People in Dedham will eat anything.

Update: I microwaved it for 1 minute. This was perhaps too long, I don't know as I never cooked a pop tart before. (I prefer the raw strawberry tarts)

After one minute the darth tart exploded and began smoking. I believe some of yellow/orange sprinkles became molten sugar rocks. The molten lava berry filling oozed out of the side while smoke billowed from the top. (I'm totally serious!)

I poured water on it, to cool it down then deposited in the closest trash receptacle. I'll try again at home tonight.

Molten darth tarts smell like pancakes. - Jo (guest panelist)


Blogger The Oinkin Dorks said...

Sweet Mary, Mother of God (sorry, it's the gentile upbringing), the picture of those lurid taste torpedoes is warning enough! How could one be so mightily hornswoggled into buying Darth Kellog's Shingles o' DuPont hawked by none other than Vader himself? From your description, half a package would be enough to make one speak like a Dark Sith Lord. Personally, I think the dietary trauma a childhood of them causes is precisely what turns one into Sidious-complected megalomaniac.

I was always a fan of the plain-jane brown sugar & cinnamon pop-tarts myself, acquiring the rarefied taste of frosted brown sugar & cinnamon only after meeting my wife. I must also confess to being a small-town virgin with pop-tart preparation, having eaten mine raw since childhood. I only learned about toaster-izing them and the metamorphosis the treats undergo. It is a shame you didn't get a chance to try that yet. - Tartophile friend, Carson

12:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why the hell would you microwave a poptart for an entire minute? If you store them at room temperature, I think that common sense would demand you limit that time to 20-30 seconds tops.

10:49 AM  

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